As PhD application season approaches, I've actually started seriously wondering whether I should go back to China for my doctorate—simply because I can't find an intimate relationship here.
It started when I came across a Zhihu post by someone claiming to have gone from a US undergrad to a US PhD and then returned to China to become a professor, describing life over here as unbearably depressing. A few of the posts:
https://www.zhihu.com/question/2003514818360010747/answer/2009301007667053648
https://www.zhihu.com/question/591044817/answer/1965765968321025163
https://www.zhihu.com/question/1909030310508761704/answer/1968659281806066186
https://www.zhihu.com/question/346843281/answer/2016477438985651349
I've also seen plenty of posts on Xiaohongshu, Zhihu, and forums complaining that it's hard for guys to find girlfriends in North America, and thinking about all of this makes me waver even more.
I'm 25 this year, came to the US for undergrad, and I've been single my whole life. I've always studied in rural parts of the US, and lately my anxiety about being single has gotten worse and worse. I'll admit my looks and height are pretty average, and I'm rather insecure by nature—the only thing I really have going for me is my education, with both my bachelor's and master's from Top 20 schools. One big reason I think about going back is that I'm from a top-tier city in China. I've mentioned this anxiety to my parents a few times, but they think there's no need to worry—they say if all else fails, once I'm back home there are plenty of potential matches they can introduce me to.
After all these years here, it's not that I've never had suitors, but things fell through for various reasons, including but not limited to: 1. A girl in my major showed interest several times, but there was just no chemistry (she weighed 180 jin). 2. I turned down a girl's hiking invitation because finals were coming up and I wanted to focus on studying. 3. During my master's, a labmate's girlfriend confessed her feelings to me, but I didn't want to betray a good friend, so I declined, etc. Looking back now, I regret all of it immensely.
This year I'm applying in ML/stat. So far I've heard back from the top five Hong Kong schools and Top 50 schools here, all fairly positive, but the US ones are all in rural parts of the Midwest. Thinking about spending another four or five years single in a place like that, I'm not sure I can take it. Rationally I know that for a PhD, the school and advisor should come first, but in reality my desire for intimacy and my anxiety about being single long-term are taking up an increasingly large share of my decision-making. Sometimes I even feel that the loneliness in my personal life is gradually outweighing my rational considerations about academic development.
And watching LLMs develop so rapidly these past few years, I sometimes wonder what I'll even be able to do four or five years from now when I finish my PhD. I've even thought about just going home after graduating next year and doing nothing.
